9:20pm last night. Laying in bed, waiting for the phone to ring... Watching mindless TV to pass the time. It rings. My heart leaps into my throat. I hold my breath before I answer "Hello.". The voice of the sweet older woman receptionist says, "Hi Jaymie. Its Betty calling for Dr. Macfarlane. She wanted me to call and let you know your blood work came back negative." My heart drops into my stomach, I thank her for the call and roll over. The back of my throat feels like its closing and my eyes start to burn. I am not going to cry... I am not going to cry I tell myself. Jordon wraps his arms around me and pulls me close. He wants to talk but accepts that I don't... He lets me take that time to process what I had just been told.
You see, November 3rd my period was due.... It never came.... I went from not thinking about pregnancy to suddenly hoping, wish and dreaming about being pregnant. 9 days later, after 10 negative pregnancy tests, still no period and a very busy mind, I sat in the office of my doctor. She sat with me and discussed that I could be. It could also be a thyroid problem. Or it could be stress. I laughed and told her I wasn't stressed. She sent me for blood work and I hoped for two things. 1- that I was indeed pregnant. 2- that I did not have a thyroid problem that would require taking a pill daily for the rest of my life.
I had spent time over the last week reading about how many women get negative home pregnancy tests back weeks after being pregnant and they turn out to be false negatives.
This however was not the case. That 30 second phone call last night confirmed what I probably already knew but hoped I didn't. I am not pregnant.
I hear Jordon drift off to sleep. His breathing slows and get heavier.My head laying on his chest with his arms wrapped around me.... And then I let myself cry. I let myself be sad for the hopes and wishes I had been holding onto for the last 9 days. The hopes and wishes, I did not have a clue I wanted so bad until that very moment when it was gone.
I was sad for the excitement I had at telling my Mom there would be another grand baby. I was sad for the hours I had spent in my head dreaming about what an amazing big sister Kaylee would be. About a change in life.
I laid in bed for hours eyes wide open.... Mind busy...Mind tired...
I woke up this morning groggy. I looked into my husbands eyes as he searched mine. I know he saw my sadness. I know he knew my disappointment. I know he felt it a little bit too. He hugged me.. He kissed my forehead and said "Well the good thing is now we can start trying right?" with a wink and a grin. It made me smile. It made me grateful. It made me feel lucky for what we have.
And then Kaylee knocked over the huge dog water bowl. The water was allllll over the floor and we scrambled to get it cleaned up. The moment was gone. Back to the hustle and bustle of every day life.
This morning as I sit here, I know I am blessed. I know I have so much more then so many people. I know my family is happy. My family is healthy. I know there is too much distance from our loved ones, but that we all love each other at the end of the day. I know I have a perfectly beautiful little girl. One who looks up at her Momma everyday and says she loves me. She kisses me goodbye each morning and again when I pick her up at Daycare. There are more hugs and kisses before bed followed by I love you's. I know my husband will take extra care with my feelings today because he knows I am feeling sad. And me being sad makes him sad too.
I know.... I am incredibly lucky. And I am grateful. So baby or no baby. I choose today to be happy. Be happy for what I have.
Thanks for stopping by and have a great day Y'all!